IMAGINARY FRIENDS - Page 45

There went the syrup tureen…

“I am fine,” Jeff insisted.

A napkin…a knife…a candlestick…the flower centerpiece…all disappeared over the side of the table, and no one said a word about it.

“On your side of the family, if I remember correctly,” Grandfather Tanner said to Grandmother Tanner.

“There was no such thing!” she snapped back.

Jeff closed his eyes. Relaxed.

I am fine, he repeated silently to himself. Fine. I am fine. Everything is fine. Fine, fine, fine. Fine fine fine fine fine FINE FINE.

“Oh, Geraldine,” Granny Jobson chuckled, “it’s alright to have a few screws loose, as long as everybody’s having a good time.”

“Amen,” said Nana.

Jeff slowly opened his eyes.

No hand.

But also no napkin, no knife, no candlestick, and no flower centerpiece, either.

Hmmm. If those things weren’t here…and if he was fine (which he was)…then where did it all go?

“It might be alright for you, but not in the Tanner family,” Grandmother Tanner sniffed.

“That’s what I’m saying,” Grandfather Tanner continued. “It was in your family, the Pattersons.”

“I will not listen to my lineage being slandered,” Grandmother Tanner hissed. “At least my family didn’t make their money off of bootlegging in the ‘20’s.”

“What’s bootlegging?” Davey asked. “I wanna bootleg!”

Jeff leaned over in his chair and slowly lifted up the tablecloth.

Grandfather Tanner clanked down his silverware. “We had a very fine president who came from bootleggers!”

Jeff stuck his head under the table.

And there, surrounded by bacon, eggs, syrup, saltshaker, grapefruit, creamer, and flower centerpiece, sat a chubby little kid with eyes like black buttons, stuffing his grimy little face.

Jeff stared at the chubby little kid.

The chubby little kid stared back at Jeff.

They both screamed at the same time.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Jeff howled.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” screeched the chubby little kid.

Jeff jerked up his head, and slammed it against the underside of the table.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Jeff screamed again.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” bellowed the chubby little kid.

Jeff finally got his head out from under the table. Everyone around him, even Davey and Brian, looked like they’d just seen the mouth of hell open up and the devil step out.

“THERE’S A KID UNDER THERE!” Jeff screamed.

“WHAT?!” everyone yelled back.

“THERE’S A KID UNDER THERE! LOOK, LOOK, BEFORE HE DISAPPEARS!”

Seven heads ducked under the tablecloth. Davey, Brian, Granny, Elise, Nana, Grandmother Tanner, and Grandfather Tanner.

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IMAGINARY FRIENDS - Page 44

“I’m fine,” Jeff said as soon as he regained his powers of speech. “I’m fine, I’ve never been – ”

And then the hand came back.

Without a second thought, Jeff lunged across the table!

The hand saw him, or sensed him, or whatever, and pulled up short.

Jeff flung out his arm as he sailed through the air. He almost had it – was mere inches away –

The hand darted back out of reach.

CRASH! Jeff slammed into the table, arm outstretched, and watched the little pink fingers disappear under the tablecloth.

The hand was gone.

But that wasn’t the worst of it. It took Jeff a second to realize what had happened, and exactly where he was: lying chest down in a platter of eggs.

He stood up and looked down at his front. Eggs and hotcakes were plastered to his robe and pajamas.

“I’m fine, I’m fine, I just slipped.”

Granny Jobson leaned over to help pick off the food. He stepped back, out of her reach.

“No, I want this, I’m fine, that’s why I got it.”

He scraped the food off his clothes and onto the plate. He pulled a sausage out of his pajama top pocket and took a bite.

“See? Everybody just calm down, okay? I’m fine.”

Elise’s earlier look of amusement had now become out-and-out worry.

“Jeff…are you alright?”

“YES. I am FINE.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine! I’m – ”

And then it suddenly appeared again. Creeping over the tablecloth.

The chubby little hand.

Jeff just stared at it.

“…fine,” Jeff said, gritting his teeth.

“It’s just that this is a little out of character for you.”

The hand reached up between Elise and Nana, grabbed a grapefruit half, and dragged it down to the depths on the other side of the table.

No one else noticed.

“Yes, Jeffrey, you’re acting shamefully,” Grandmother Tanner rebuked him.

Jeff watched the hand reappear, take a fistful of eggs, and dart back down.

“I’m FIIINE,” Jeff said.

Whoops – there went the salt shaker.

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IMAGINARY FRIENDS - Page 43

Elise and Granny Jobson turned away, and went back to chatting with each other. Grandmother and Grandfather Jobson resumed discussion of some fundraiser at the Minton Park Country Club. Nana went back to looking at Brian’s drawing.

Jeff shook his head, and stabbed a forkful of pancake on his plate. As he lifted it to his mouth, his eyes looked up.

There was the hand again, this time stealing a pancake. Both of them disappeared over the edge of the table.

Jeff whipped his head to the right –

There was Davey, drinking his juice.

Jeff whipped his head to the left –

There was Brian, still doodling.

Jeff whipped his head back to center –

And there was the hand again, filching a bacon strip!

Jeff flung back his chair, grabbed the tablecloth, and whooshed it up in the air as he stuck his head under the table.

Except…

There was nothing there.

No little hand, no little body for the hand to be attached to…just a bunch of old grannypeople’s legs.

Who were probably staring at him, right this second.

Jeff sl-o-o-o-o-owly pulled his head out from under the table. He knew what he was going to find.

They didn’t disappoint him: every eye at the table was fixed on him.

Through a mouthful of food, Davey asked, “See the rat again, Dad?”

“You be quiet!” Jeff smoothed out the tablecloth, then smiled calmly at the rest of the table. “I thought I, uh, lost a contact.”

Still with the food in his mouth, Davey pointed out, “You don’t wear glasses, Dad.”

“Davey! Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

Davey shrugged, leaned over his plate, and dutifully spat out his mouthful of pancakes.

“You don’t wear glasses, Dad!” Davey said again, much clearer and louder.

“That’s – ”

Jeff paused. It was true, he didn’t wear glasses. He had just needed an excuse, and that’s what they did on sitcoms: they lost contacts under tables. Obviously, he watched too much TV.

Since he didn’t have a reply, he decided to go after Davey again. Always a good diversionary tactic.

Jeff pointed at the ground-up pile of goo Davey had just spit out. “That’s disgusting! Don’t do that!”

“Make up your mind, Dad,” Davey said, and stuffed the chewed pancakes back in his mouth.

The horror of seeing that rendered Jeff speechless. Unfortunately, everyone else was looking with concern at Jeff, so his silence opened the door wide for comments.

“Jeff, are you feeling okay?” Elise asked.

“Jeffrey, you didn’t tell me you wear glasses now,” Grandmother Tanner accused.

“See? First the brain goes, then the eyes,” Grandfather Tanner pointed out.

“Eat up, Jeff, you really are getting lightheaded,” Granny Jobson said.

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IMAGINARY FRIENDS - Page 42

12

“But I saw the thing before Davey went Yellow Submarine!”

The whole family sat around the dining room table. Nana and Elise were there also, partaking in the Christmas morning feast. Heaping platters of pancakes, sausage, bacon, and eggs made a circuit around the table. Tubs of soft butter sat next to syrup bottles, and crystal plates lay decked with fresh berries of all sorts.

Only two people were not hungrily tucking in. One was Brian, who had returned to form and was sketching in a brand new pad he’d received that morning. The other person was Jeff, who was trying – unsuccessfully – to prove to the others he wasn’t insane.

“I saw a lump under the paper, like something was racing underneath – ”

“Hush now, Jeff, and eat. You’re probably just lightheaded,” Granny Jobson said as she loaded his plate with eggs.

Grandmother Tanner fanned herself with a napkin. “You should be ashamed, giving me a scare like that.”

“It’s true, I swear!” Jeff cried.

Davey chomped on a sausage. “I don’t think you’re crazy, Dad.”

Jeff looked down to his right, where his son sat atop a stack of phone books again. “I don’t want to hear anything from you! You’re the reason they think I’m nuts!”

“And I quote,” Elise said, “`But I saw the thing before Davey went Yellow Submarine.’ Unquote.”

Jeff glared at her. Elise smiled back sweetly.

Davey held up his little finger. “Pinky doesn’t think you’re crazy, either, Dad. But Modine’s not so sure.”

Jeff pointed at Davey as he addressed the table. “Look, you’re going to call me crazy, when his finger’s talking to him?”

“Better be careful, Jeff,” Granny Jobson advised. “His finger’s the only one here defending you.”

“Why would I believe his finger?” Nana asked. “Maybe his finger’s crazy, too.”

“He’s five years old. He’s allowed to be crazy,” Elise said.

“There comes a time in every man’s life, Jeffrey, when the mind just isn’t what it used to be,” Grandfather Tanner said. “No need to be ashamed of it.”

“I’m not crazy – I just thought I saw something, that’s – ”

Across from Jeff, a tiny hand reached from beneath the table and grabbed a sausage from a plate. It then ducked out of sight.

“DAVEY!” Jeff yelled.

“What, Dad?”

Jeff looked down and to his right. There sat Davey, chomping away at his eggs.

Jeff looked across the table, at the platter of sausages.

He looked to his left. Brian was drawing placidly, totally engrossed in his sketch.

Jeff looked around. Everyone else was eyeing him suspiciously.

Jeff looked back at Davey.

“Did you…”

“Did I what?” Davey asked.

Jeff shook his head, totally perplexed. “Nevermind.”

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IMAGINARY FRIENDS - Page 41

Jeff hurriedly wrapped his robe around him, and pleaded with the faces staring up at his. “I thought…I thought there was something under the paper…and it was headed straight for Davey…and I – ”

Something touched Jeff’s foot underneath the paper.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!” he screamed, and vaulted onto the nearest coffee table. Everyone in the room jumped up about three inches.

Everyone except for Davey, who surfaced from beneath the paper making submarine noises.

“AH-ROOOGA! AH-ROOOGA!”

And then he went back under.

Jeff looked around the room, then down at the coffee table he stood on. He cleared his throat, pulled his robe tighter about him, and stepped back onto the floor with as much dignity as he could muster.

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IMAGINARY FRIENDS - Page 40

Jeff ignored his mother, and chose to wax nostalgic. “Ah, tighty whities,” he said to Elise. “No Christmas would be complete without them.”

Elise looked at him funny. “What are you talking about?”

“Every Christmas, I got a package of six tighty whities. Every day after Christmas, me and the neighborhood kids would use them as slings for throwing snowballs. We’d put them on snowmen we made and…”

Something caught Jeff’s eye. On the far end of the room, under a hundred discarded present wrappings, there was a rustling. A movement.

“And what?” Elise prodded.

The rustling became more pronounced now – more like burrowing. A little hump moved to and fro in the tatters of colored wrapping.

“Do you see that?!” Jeff pointed.

“What?”

Wrapping paper started to churn as the thing sped up.

“That!”

“What?!”

Now paper flew in the air as the thing (whatever it was) weaved a drunken course across the room!

“I don’t know, maybe a – ”

Jeff stared in disbelief as the thing suddenly straightened its course – and headed right for Davey.

“ – RAT? DAVEY, WATCH OUT!”

Jeff leapt from the couch.

“A RAT?!” Grandmother Tanner screamed, and scrambled up onto her chair.

“A rat?” Davey asked excitedly, glancing all around. “Cool, can I keep it for a –”

A shadow fell across him, and he cut his question short. He looked up to see Jeff soaring above him, face in a panic, arms outstretched, a pajama’d superman in a slo-mo arc through the air.

Then he hit the floor.

WHAM! Jeff made contact just behind Davey, and cut through the wrapping paper like a hall-of-famer sliding for home. Within seconds he was on his feet, tearing through the paper, tossing colored scraps like a three year-old in a leaf pile.

“It’s here!” he shouted. “I saw it! It was moving in the paper, it was making a bee-line right for Davey – ”

Suddenly Jeff slipped. BOOM! Everyone in the room jumped as he began to thrash about and scream!

“AAAAAHHHHHH! IT’S IN MY ROBE! OH MY GOD, IT’S IN MY ROBE, IT’S – ”

Jeff jumped to his feet and tore off his robe. Then his pajama top. Then his pajama bottoms. He jumped up and down on the pile of clothes, trying to pulverize his attacker.

“IT’S IN THERE, IT WAS TRYING TO GET ME – ”

He yanked up the clothes and felt through them, patting them down, shaking them out.

“IT’S…it’s…not there…”

Jeff stopped and looked up at everyone staring at him in shock (except for Elise, who hid a delighted smile beneath one hand).

About then he realized he was half-naked, standing in the middle of a room filled with old folks and children, wearing only a pair of polka-dot boxers.

“Get butt-nekkid, Dad!” Davey shouted.

“Jeffrey Tanner, don’t you dare!” Grandmother Tanner warned.

“Boy, put your clothes on right now!” Grandfather Tanner said.

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